Hi There, it’s Chelsea! Today I’m sharing something incredibly personal because I know I’m not going to be able to accurately put into words how many emotions I’m feeling ahead of surgery. As strangers on the internet, I would say that it’s fair that I bring you along for this part of my journey as you’ve all seen me go through so much and I value all of your support so much.
(TW: S/A, Surgeries, Traumatic Events)
There’s a side of me that very few get to see and an even slimmer side of myself that I’ve shared with anyone. From when I was 18 until this year I feel like I’ve lived a million different lives. Anyone who glances my profile can probably tell that I love being out and about, usually at concerts or festivals but in my late teens and early twenties I used to love clubbing, mostly for being around people I considered friends and also because I love to have a boogie. This usually came hand in hand with drinking, which is something I definitely used as a crutch for processing emotions and feelings, thankfully therapy has been there to help me recognise these patterns and change.
I used this crutch in excess for quite a while, I was able to remain professional during the weeks then over indulge over the weekends. This led to losing a lot of friends and a lot of my dignity. From all of my health issues at each stage and year of my life I began feeling like I had to keep pushing the envelope and drinking more and more to keep up. I didn’t realise until it was too late on multiple occasions which put me in hospital and also once led to my mother being called to pick me up from a festival.
There is no excuse to explain the following events or any reason that my experiences were my own fault, there’s nothing that makes it ok and there never will be anything able to replace the memories. I’ve been skirting this matter for a long time due to how personal it was but felt like if I was sharing my health journey with you; then you deserve to know the full story.
I was raped. I’ve been assaulted from behind on multiple occasions. I don’t blame my outfits, or the fact that I was drinking, but I do blame my younger self for putting myself in some dangerous situations. Unfortunately, there was some damage to my back region, as I was sodomised. This has been permanent and has affected a lot internally, which leads me to why I’m sharing this with you.
Today, the permanent damage will be removed.
Today, that chapter in my life is over.
Today, I get to reclaim that part of myself who lost something each time.
I know that adding this on to my recovery from Endometriosis and my recent Back exasperation will be more mentally challenging than physically meaning I’m hopefully on my feet by the end of the day. There are fewer and fewer things each year in my life that would hold me back from going through this procedure.
I know I’m strong enough, I know I’m brave. But most of all I know that I am never going to let myself go back to that space where these awful events happened. I’m grateful that this procedure has been handled so quickly by my treating team, I felt a lot of shame around this for so long that I didn’t mention it to my doctor or most of my friends and family. They’ve taken my hand and have taken my story seriously. Unfortunately there are risks with every condition but getting rid of the damage significantly reduces future risks which I’m incredibly fortunate for. I get to give myself the greatest gift of all… Time.
I’m lucky that I have the support around me both physically and mentally. There isn’t a day that goes by that I feel like I could ask for a better support network.
If I could go back and change some of the decisions I made I feel like I absolutely would. But I do wonder what person I would’ve been without these events happening to me. Would it just be a matter of time until this happened? What if I just stayed home? I’m sure that most would assume that I would be better off for it, but honestly it opened my eyes to some of the darkness lurking in the shadows, it showed me that there are some people who are truly out to hurt others.
Don’t let me become a victim in your eyes, make me a cautionary tale. Let me having shared this with you, be a warning not a nightmare.
Think before you drink, look before you jump and check the facts before you act.
See you on the other side of surgery, and thankyou for making it this far with me.
XOXO Chelsea
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